AIDS: Acolyte Insanity Driving Syndrome
by ColdFusion180
Summary: Magneto vividly demonstrates how exposure to the Acolytes is harmful to one's mental health.


**AIDS: Acolyte Insanity Driving Syndrome**

"Oh, my back," Magneto grumbled as he strode down one of the many hallways of the Acolyte base. "I knew I could not rely on those incompetent idiots to handle simple medical equipment or their ability to perform basic first aid. Much less trust their ability to perform basic first aid on **me**! I suffered more pain while being treated in the infirmary than I did before being brought in. I swear I will never look at a hot pad the same way again!"

"At least rebuilding my armor was a fairly easy task. Thanks goodness I can do my own repairs. Now if only Gambit did a decent job mending my cape..." Magneto trailed off as he heard some strange noises coming from the laundry room. "Oh no. What are those crazy fools up to this time? Pyro better not be trying to take rides inside one of the drying machines again."

Magneto entered the laundry room and found Sabertooth huddled over one of the washing machines. The top of the machine was open and Sabertooth had both arms submerged up to his elbows in the soapy water. "Sabertooth?" Magneto blinked in confusion. "What are **you** doing in here?"

"Huh?" Sabertooth jumped and quickly spun towards Magneto while awkwardly trying to act casual. "Oh, uh…hi boss."

"What are you doing?" Magneto repeated.

"Um, my laundry," Sabertooth gulped.

"You never do laundry!" Magneto snapped. "You don't even own a second set of clothes! At least not that I know of!"

"Well I do like to change my socks every now and then," Sabertooth said.

"Yes, about every other day!" Magneto roared. "And that's only because you wear out your latest pair so bad you are forced to throw them away! Do you have any idea how many socks you go through every week? And foot cream?"

"Hey, I have sensitive feet okay?" Sabertooth growled. "Besides, I can't help it if my claws shred my socks to pieces every time I move around."

"You can if you would just wear those reinforced Kevlar socks I got for you and put up with the irritation. They are machine washable too," Magneto snapped. "Speaking of which, you still haven't explained what you are doing in here?"

"I told you, I'm doing laundry," Sabertooth grumbled.

"Victor, I have heard better lies from Pyro after catching him with his flamethrower, a melted case of napalm and some spent thermite while standing inside a room full of still smoldering fires and wood ash!" Magneto shot him a warning look. "Now for the last time, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"Well," Sabertooth gulped. "It's not exactly laundry, but I am washing something."

"What, are you tell me you finally decided to clean your bed sheets?" Magneto asked.

"Almost," Sabertooth winced.

"Sabertooth, show me what you have in that washer," Magneto ordered.

"Uh, there's nothing really," Sabertooth tried to block Magneto's view. "Nothing to you anyway. Not even worth your attention, so if you'd just let me finish…"

"Victor…"

"Fine," Sabertooth removed his hands from the water and carefully held up the washer's contents.

"Huh?" Magneto blinked as he looked at the small orange and black striped figure lying in Sabertooth's hands. "You are washing a stuffed animal?"

"Well yeah," Sabertooth admitted while submerging his hands and their precious contents once more. "I hate it when Tigger gets all dirty and junk."

"Dirty?" Magneto gave him a look. "This is from a man who doesn't believe in using soap and has to be dragged kicking and screaming just to take a bath!"

"Hey, I have a healing factor! I don't need to use soap or take baths!" Sabertooth spat.

"Neither do I!" 'Tigger' piped up from the washer.

"Yes you do!" Sabertooth shouted at him. "You need a bath once a year to wash off all the dirt, dead fur and dried sweat stuck on you!"

"But I hate baths!" 'Tigger' protested and made a small splash.

"Well so do I but you don't see me complaining about 'em!" Sabertooth snapped.

"We had a deal!" 'Tigger' cried.

"Fine! I'll go take a quick rinse just as soon as we're done here and…" Sabertooth remembered Magneto was still present and gave a quick self-conscious cough. "Uh, yeah. So, washing stuffed animals. Keeps them clean and healthy. Don't want to do it too often though. Too much water rots their insides."

"I see," Magneto blinked and slowly began to back out of the room. "I'll just leave you alone here then…"

"Great. Don't let anyone else in," Sabertooth turned back towards the washer. "I should be done in about an hour."

"Oh, no problem. Take all the time you need," Magneto practically fled from the room. "A **lot** of time."

Magneto proceeded to turn around a corner before slowing down to a walk. "And I thought Sabertooth was the most **stable** subordinate I had around here. So much for that impression. He has been exposed to those other nuts for so long they have succeeded in corrupting him."

"Wahoooooo!" Pyro happily bounced into view while wearing a bizarre getup and nearly ran into Magneto.

"Speaking of nuts," Magneto groaned. "PYRO!"

"Hey boss!" Pyro chirped and awkwardly came to a stop.

"Pyro, how many times have I told you to watch where you are going? You near ran me over you crazy, careless…" Magneto trailed off as he took in Pyro's appearance. "Pyro what the heck are you **wearing**?"

"Like it? It's my latest idea!" Pyro grinned as he showed off his modified uniform which had literally hundreds of brightly colored springs attached to it in various shapes and sizes. All the springs pointed outward and covered his entire body expect for a few spring-free areas around his eyes and mouth. "Pretty cool, huh?"

"Are you joking? You look like an exploded slinky factory!" Magneto gawked at Pyro's ensemble. "What in the world **is** that?"

"It's my new spring suit!" Pyro chirped excitedly. "Made of more than ninety six and three fourths percent springs!"

"Okay, I'll bite," Magneto groaned. "**Why** did you go and make a spring suit?"

"To make myself invulnerable!" Pyro grinned proudly. "Now if anything dangerous comes at me it will harmlessly bounce off! It is the pinnacle of defensive technology! Plus I can bounce around in it whenever I want!"

"Oh geeze," Magneto moaned. "Of all the stupid, harebrained ideas. Why didn't you just make the whole suit out of rubber?"

"Because I accidentally went and burned up all the rubber bands," Pyro replied. "And it would have been too heavy. But the suit does have some rubber lining so I will be protected from lighting and laser blasts too!"

"Wanna bet?" Magneto gave him a threatening look. "How about we put that claim to the test?"

"Yep, with this suit I will be unstoppable!" Pyro declared excitedly. "I can even run into things without getting hurt. Watch how many different kinds of things I can knock over!" Pyro launched himself into the air with the aid of his spring-bottomed boots and took off down the hall. "Charge!"

"Oh no you don't!" Magneto tried to stop Pyro's suit by using his powers, but to his surprise found they had no effect. "Perfect! That nut just had to go and make his suit with non-metallic springs."

"Wheeeeee!" Pyro laughed as he caromed off the ceiling and proceeded to literally bounce off the walls.

"Get back here Pyro!" Magneto shouted and began to chase after him. "Don't you dare try and enter my private laboratory again!"

"Boingy! Boingy! Boingy!" Pyro cackled as he disappeared from sight.

"Pyro? Pyro? Great! Where did that maniac go to now?" Magneto lost Pyro's trail and came to a stop just outside the Control Room. He attempted to locate Pyro's position when some loud shouts from inside caught his attention.

"Oh great. **Now** what's going on?" Magneto braced himself and opened the door. He entered the room and just barely managed to miss being hit by something round and blue flying past his ear.

"Huh?" Magneto gaped in shock at the sight of two large, homemade forts standing on opposite sides of the room. The forts seemed to be constructed of chairs, couch cushions, tables, blankets, spare tires and multiple empty boxes. "What in the world…?"

"Hahahahaha!" Remy laughed as he stood inside one fort with a large red colored snowball clutched in one hand. "I've got you this time! Surrender!"

"Never!" Piotr's voice boomed from the other fort. Piotr popped up from behind a large cushion and began throwing blue colored snowballs at Remy's position.

"Yikes!" Remy ducked inside his fort to shield himself from the barrage. "Fine! You've had your chance! Prepare to…"

"WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON IN HERE?" Magneto roared.

"Oops!" Remy gulped clutching his snowball. "Busted."

"OH YOU BET YOU ARE BUSTED MISTER!" Magneto screamed at him. "WHAT DO YOU INSANE FOOLS THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

"Um, having a snowball fight?" Piotr supplied weakly.

"I CAN SEE THAT YOU NITWIT!" Magneto yelled. "What I want to know is what possibly drove you to have a snowball fight **indoors**?"

"Because we'd attract too much attention if we did it outside," Remy said. "And I wanted to build some decent forts. They would've been too cold and uncomfortable if we made them out of snow."

"Of course," Magneto groaned. "And just **why** did you decide to build them in the Control Room?"

"Because there wasn't enough space in the Sphere Hangar," Remy replied. "Don't worry Mags. We covered the main computer with some tarps to protect it from any stray snowballs."

"I don't care if you buried it under thirty layers of plastic wrap! I want this whole stupid mess cleaned up immediately!" Magneto roared. "I don't even want to know why the snowballs are different colors."

"Well, we wanted a way to determine how badly each of us had been hit," Piotr explained. "So we divided up our supply of snow and selected some different colored dyes to…"

"I said I didn't want to know!" Magneto snapped. "Just clean this place up! Which reminds me Gambit, what have you done with my cape?"

"I patched it up just like you ordered me to," Remy shrugged. "It wasn't shredded too badly. I also dunked it in some bleach and rinsed it underneath the shower to get out most of the blood stains."

"Oh, so then you put my cape in a drying machine to finish up?" Magneto asked.

"Nope. Sabes was busy working on something and wouldn't let me into the laundry room," Remy said. "So I threw it in the oven."

"YOU WHAT?" Magneto yelled.

KA-BOOOOOOM!

"HEY, WHERE'S ALL THAT SMOKE COMING FROM?" Sabertooth was heard shouting in the distance. "IS SOMETHING OUT THERE ON FIRE?"

"Fire?" Pyro appeared in the Control Room doorway. "Where's the fire? I want the fire! Yay!" He quickly bounced away while laughing maniacally.

"OH NO YOU DON'T!" Magneto roared and chased after him once more. "PYRO! GET BACK HERE YOU LUNATIC! YOU'D BETTER NOT TRY AND BURN DOWN THE BASE AGAIN!"

"Don't you think we should try and stop Pyro?" Piotr asked.

"Na, I think Mags has the situation under control," Remy waved.

"Okay," Piotr said as the two of them resumed their snowball fight.

"AAARRRGGGHHHHHH!" Magneto screamed. "AND PEOPLE THINK IT IS HUMANITY THAT NEEDS TO BE SAVED FROM MUTANTS! IT'S **SANITY** THAT IS MOST LIKELY TO BE WIPED OUT!"

**********

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Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution. No offense or disrespect is intended towards any who suffer from degenerative or life threatening diseases.**


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